"Happiness comes more from loving than being loved; and often when our affection seems wounded it is only our vanity bleeding. To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again - this is the brave and happy life."I have no idea who this "J.E. Buchrose" character is (and apparently neither does Google), but he or she is onto something. Right now I'm having a tough time trying to get through my classes. It might have something to do with loving and being loved; It's been two months since I was last in a relationship and while I know there are a lot of people out there who love me, I forget that sometimes.
-- J.E. Buchrose
I shouldn't be writing this right now, seeing as I have math homework to do. Then again, I've never really listened to myself when it came to things I was "supposed to do". But do I listen to myself otherwise? I've lead a very scared life for the past several years. And I know I'm not done with it yet because I still feel really low when I let down those who love me but have expectations for me. I'm not trying to absolve myself by claiming confusion and hysteria. What I'm trying to do is find answers to a very real problem that has very real consequences if I continue down this same path.
I'm a good kid. I've got many talents and I can do great things with them, but not all of them at the same time. I feel obligations to those who "need" me and I always push myself because I don't care if I get hurt. At a basic level, I care very much if I get hurt. And to top all of this off, I fear what I don't end up loving. Which really sucks when I sometimes don't love myself.
Things will be figured out; this much I have faith in. But right now, I need to survive. I've got some crazy performances coming up that I need to prepare for, on top of getting through this semester in one piece. Registration for spring classes starts next week. I've also got to hang out with friends who do and don't know any better and think I'm perfectly fine.
I may not be at my best right now, but that's never stopped me before.