I've thought about getting a Ph.D for the longest time. Here are some of my reasons:

• Everyone would call me "doctor" instead of "mister"
• I'd feel good about myself
• Instead of "Mr. Bass" I'd be "Dr. Bass"
• I really enjoy learning
• I could avoid entering the "real world" for a bit longer

Basically, I think it'd be pretty neat to get a Ph.D. I've been scared, though, for various reasons. Things like money, time, ability, and what I'd want to study have all gotten in my way. Relations, too, have knocked on my door and I've been afraid of losing all the good things I have now. To be honest, a lot of stuff was floating around in my head. :P But now? Well, a lot has happened this week and let's just say that a friend of mine has really opened my eyes to what I've been doing with my life for the past few years.

I think. As you all know. :D And I stress out pretty easily, which some of you may know and some of you may not because you think I'm pretty chill and get along with everyone. IT'S NOT TRUE! What's crazy about life is that it keeps going whether we're ready or not. This past weekend, my laptop was the recipient of some mysterious water damage and I was freaking out because of that. Yet in the middle of the week, when I was blubbering on to friends about my life and what I was freaking out about, I remembered that hey, I'm pretty awesome.

So in a fashion quite Barney Stinson-esque, I started to tell myself to stop thinking when I was stressed out. Stop thinking when my thinking didn't make any sense. Stop thinking when my mind was racing and I didn't know left from right. And why? Well, a friend of mine told me that I was fine the way I was.

It's funny that this happens now because you'd think that surely, one of my friends would have told me that everything will be fine or that I'm just going through a bad phase or whatever. But no, something about this was different. This time, instead of beating myself up and spiraling into a brainstorm, I instead asked myself if the problem was my reasoning. Why was I thinking the thoughts I was thinking? And were they logical? Did the feelings match up? And that's when I realized I have really low self-esteem at times.

There were hints right out of high school. As the atmosphere changed, no one in college was there to cheer me on and congratulate me on my achievements. Already I did not feel comfortable and as soon as I hit a snag second semester, I lost everything. My grades plummeted, I drew away from my friends, and all that made sense in the world no longer made sense. Only now do I realize that these were all because I had no one rooting for me. Only now -- after placing myself in so many activities and accomplishing so much -- can I look at myself and say with confidence, "I'm pretty good at what I do."

It's not an ego thing. And yes, I try to be modest. But I won't lie to you. I won't lie to myself. When I really put my mind to something, I do well. When I am really passionate about something, I win. This isn't about trying to be the underdog or trying to be humble or trying to relate to everyone else. Guess what? It's sometimes hard to relate to people who don't push themselves to stand out. But does that mean we can't enjoy each others' company? Of course not! And that's just on the surface; people are like onions and there are so many layers, it's ridiculous.

This is why I made a pledge to myself this afternoon. This is why I tweeted:

[i will not let assumptions and misinformation be my downfall; to this i pledge my sacred honor]

This is why I chose to use words from the Eagle Scout Charge to round out this promise. This is why I chose my words carefully to reflect what I really stand for.

I will not tolerate a lesser person than I am capable of being. And I will not destroy myself, time and time again, simply because of a few inherent weaknesses and a past I'm not exactly proud of. It's been a long journey, I know, but that doesn't mean the journey is over. It's far from over, actually.

This is how we amaze ourselves, time and time again.