It's one thing to want to sleep because you're sleepy. It's another thing to want to sleep because you want to escape the world.
I want to write about what I'm feeling so bad but the background information is both personal and expansive so I really can't do more than say, "I'm in a weird mood," and be done with it. And that doesn't even begin to measure up to what I want to say because English is a finite language and it will always communicate a message that is not nearly as accurate as it needs to be.
I remember when I wrote about having a mental illness. I still haven't been diagnosed with anything and I really don't think I ever will, but rereading that post -- and more importantly, thinking these past few days about paranoia and stress -- has given me a new perspective on what I've grown to call "my views" over the past few years.
It is safe to assume the following: I think too much. While my abilities to see different possibilities has aided me in problem solving to a large extent, it has also left me with a lot of baggage. One of the bags it leaves is something I am now going to call, "Outcome Overload." I wrote about it previously,
When I get stressed, my default response is to start brainstorming outcomes to events as they stand. This includes thinking about what I'm going to do in the next few days, how I'm going to interact with friends over the course of the year, or even crazy things like getting married or whether some random stranger is going to knife me on my way to class! A lot of it can be in good fun, no doubt, but it can also be a large headache and a disaster for when I want to operate successfully in the real world. I begin to worry, and then... well, it usually doesn't spell anything super fantastic.In addition to what was written above, it also involves the craziest, most paranoid and worrisome situations and outcomes that could ever happen. Finding this out so recently about myself has actually scared me a bit. I used to chastise others who thought that way ever so slightly. Now I see the error in my ways...
These days I'm just trying to keep my head on straight. I want to talk about what's been on my mind, but it'll require a lot of time to organize my thoughts and a few phone calls to those I know are okay with knowing the "real me." It's times like these that remind me why I hate certain social conventions. This one reminds me of why I hate tendencies to avoid awkward situations for the sake of comfortableness.
..
Thinking about it hurts. I will stop now.