These last few days have seen me at my worst. I've been sick with something no deadlier than the common cold, but it's left me in a tizzy. As I contemplate where life has taken me since school began not long ago, I found out something base about myself. I have fears.

Now, we all have fears, don't get me wrong. But I'm not talking about the fear of heights or fear of spiders -- the clearly irrational fears that many of us have. No, I'm talking about the fears that manifest themselves as rational problems, the kind that disappear if you go looking for them and only show up to tease you from afar. And so I've been chasing these demons, not set to kill them, but to at least get to know their faces.

Right now I'm sitting with one of my roommates in our apartment's living room, letting the natural light pour in. The onset of autumn makes me glow with delight because on the inside I know I'm ready for change. I can actually see myself at my "home" somewhere in the future, relaxing and just listening to Pandora send me acoustic guitar music through the speakers of my laptop. I know I'm a busy person, but at this moment, I'm not. At this moment, I'm essentially me.

While I haven't been able to clearly identify all my fears, I think I've identified a major one: the fear to not meet the approval of others, including myself. I get so down in the dumps sometimes I forget that there are a lot of people who are proud to know me and excited with what I do with my life. All the stress and pressure from academics and productive rehearsals and even hanging out with friends has me strung out. Worn thin. And before I go into it more, we need to set some ground rules.

I don't think too much. No, I actually think a healthy amount for my age and that's what makes me me. I intuitively know this at all times and to tell myself not to think is destructive. But what is destructive about thinking is when I think in a self-serving manner. Thinking to make myself feel better, to comfort myself is not an option. Nor is thinking to tear myself down, for obvious reasons. Thinking was never the problem; the problem was what I thought about.

Also, I'm not too sensitive. Exactly how could one connect to Brahms or Beethoven without being sensitive? I'm aware of my surroundings. And I care enough about some of my friends to inquire when something is up. The big problem was always meeting others' approval. I caved under pressure and I want to change that. Nay, I'm going to change that.

I guess the goal right now is to lead a simpler life. No more analyzing the past. No more trying to emotionally prepare for the future. I need to live in the here and now.