This summer is coming to an end for me. Once Wednesday comes, I will be operating once again out of Chambana, IL. Academics will resume, music will resume, freedom will resume. And yes, you read that last part right.
What of freedom? Wouldn't a summer be the most freedom that a person could ever wish for? But seriously, what is freedom without direction? This summer was full of money pressures, of silent responsibilities to family members and errant reminders of my habitat at the cohesion of two contrasting environments: social life and "work". Yet I enjoy work. And still I must live a life of guilt because I don't meet other folks' standards. *sigh*
When you're in a college environment, no one tells you that you're slacking or that you're failing their expectations. Actually, my impression is that no one has such tough expectations for others. They see a person, judge that person by their ability to do stuff, and then treat that person an example of his or her best ability. No one -- and I really mean this -- extends his or herself onto other folks, trying desperately to extend norms, work ethics, or personalities.
I was reading a post from some time ago and I think it's definitely relevant to this summer. Here's an excerpt:
Even though I'm friends with lots of people and everything, you can't really feel more comfortable than you are with your family. At least, that's how I feel. Even with my closest friends, it can be difficult to turn down going out or helping them out with a gig or something just because you're not feeling up to it. They'll understand, totally, but there's definitely some kind of strand that is holding you to try and be there for them.The closer people are to you, the more they should be able to let things slide, right? At least, that's what I do. If any of my family or my close friends aren't up to doing something, I assume they're going over a rough hump and I let them do their thing. Time passes. And maybe they'll be up for it later.
With family, I try as well, but they just seem more understanding right off the bat to let you chill if you're feeling a bit off, you know?
Sometimes these humps and bumps persist for days, weeks on end. Sometimes they last a whole summer. Doesn't that suck. Too bad that's what happens to me.
Summer lacks direction. And no, it's not the screwed up sleep cycles or constant changes in schedule that gets me down. It's the lack of regular obligations. No regular job. No regular housework. Just odd jobs. And just when the odd jobs become a bit regular, they change on me or they finish. And then we start all over again for the rest of the summer and for all summers after that.
I have mixed feelings right now. Part of me feels good because I played a lot of music this summer. Music is, after all, one of my passions. This summer I played in a children's musical, a Fourth of July concert, a three-week run of South Pacific, summer music camp/orchestra, and an odd job at the local country club. I bought an electric bass and took double bass lessons. I even randomly jammed with some friends, and we had a good time.
This summer I also did a lot of physical activity. I played soccer once or twice a week, participated in a men's soccer league, and went swing dancing a few times. While not at the top of my list of things to do, the opportunities presented themselves and I took interest.
In addition to all that, I hung out with friends. We saw movies, attended concerts, and went out to eat just to enjoy each other's company. I helped serve at some Eagle Court of Honors. I even played World of Warcraft and hung out with some friends there. It was a good summer for friends.
Despite all of my accomplishments this summer, I fell flat with services. While I drove my sister to drivers education classes and took care of my own transportation for almost all of the summer, I wasn't able to help out enough around the house. I mowed the lawn a few times, but not enough times. I did some grout-work, washed dishes a few times, and helped out Mom and Dad with tasks when they asked for it and I was around. But that didn't matter because I failed on all the goals that were too daunting. I didn't patch up the driveway by myself. I took too long doing the chores beset to me. I was a failure because I had a messy room and rolled out of bed too late.
I'm not here to point fingers; I'm here to point out perspectives. Even though my room was messy, I kept all of my possession out of the way from the rest of the house, except for that one time when I had four or fives instruments in the living room. And that was only for a week or two.
Some more things I didn't do included complaining about other people not keeping a clean house, other people expecting things from me without talking to me first, and other people screwing up because of their habits. I may have blown up a bit at first, but I calmed my anger and distress with reasoning. People are flexible and people are stubborn. We live and we learn. And if we live and don't learn, then I just don't know. A philosophical debate that still rages on within me, I guess.
I'm not the only other person who has been summing up the summer recently. Friends have been too, many hinting at a tinge of sadness as we all go back to our respective colleges. Some are happy, though, as they look forward to seeing friends that were absent from the summer. Family, too, has its own qualms. To many eyes, my achievements these past few months have been microscopic in scope. I have been useless and have learned nothing. I have not been a help in any regard and have been selfish.
Those who may not know me may think that I am ending this post with satire of some kind. They are wrong, of course. For while I may be writing commentary by presenting extreme views, I also express these feelings honestly.
"If you want to identify me, ask me not where I live, or what I like to eat, or how I comb my hair, but ask me what I am living for, in detail, and ask me what I think is keeping me from living fully for the things I want to live for. Between those two answers you can determine the identity of any person."*sigh* You don't really know me, now, do you?
-- Thomas Merton