Is it a crime to want to go to a chamber recital so I can hear the sweet sounds of Shostakovich's third string quartet? It seems like this semester is finally almost over and I couldn't want it over more than now. Math is grueling because it's impossibly difficult, music is grueling because I don't make time to practice, and a lot of other things are grueling because I'm me and I'm not very good at this whole "college thing."

Earlier today I came up with a list of things that have changed since the transition into college but I feel like I've forgotten most of them. In any case, one of the ones I remember is the lack of belonging for me here in college. In high school, I was part of orchestras and math teams and classes and honor societies and Boy Scouts and lots of things that kept me busy. Nowadays, what keeps me busy are simply groups of people who more or less reject me in some major way.

I may be a math major, but I am by no means as into math as all the kids in my honors class and don't talk to them due to such. And while I'm in the top orchestra, I'm still not a music major and I don't know a lot of people because of that. If you look at my residence hall, I've come to the conclusion that my status as a sophomore as well as my business thoroughly keep me from meeting lots of people in my dorm or hanging out with my floor.

I don't want to sound bitter or twist the fact that no one can belong to everything, but I've lost so much by putting myself in this new environment and not connecting with a lot of different groups. And speaking of groups...

I've got no leadership role. Anywhere.

As crazy as that sounds, it actually matters to me. Not because I like power or control, but because I like being looked up to. I'm a different kind of leader, just ask anyone, but even so, that void in my life is currently vacant and in need of some lovin'. I don't lead any orchestras, I'm not a major force in the math classroom, and I'm so out of touch with swing dancing that it's currently impossible for me to even teach a few tricks to some noobs.

I remember being really into swing dancing, and while part of it was due to the ladies (what isn't?), I now realize that my interested waned as less and less people were trying to learn and more and more people realized they didn't need help. Now, a lot of them need help, just like members of my bass section need leading and people in my math class (me) are lost. Where did all the leaders go? Oh wait, here's one...

I don't want to sound rude or pompous, but I lead things. I really do. I got the kids at my high school into ska. It's true, ska was around before me and such, but it didn't take off until I did something about it by promoting it with V-Show and showing everyone how great it could be. I had a plan, I executed my plan, and I executed it well. That's how I roll. But now... It's just kinda sad. I'm stuck because I can't lead and I can't lead because I've spread myself thin.

Back in the day, when I made my transition into high school, I also didn't have anything. It's true my home was the same and I carried a few friends over from middle school, but in areas where those didn't matter, I gained leadership by being awesome. And frankly, that's all it took because I said, "Hey, I play bass and I'm good at it!" Next thing you know, I'm principal bassist of the chamber, string, and pit orchestras and the following year people start using my talent for other odds and ends. No one led me along and said, "Okay Dan, how 'bout you lead this group right here?" I showed people I could play the games they laid out for me and that I was ready enough to start games of my own.

I have to admit, I kinda blew it coming into college. Instead of going with my tried and true, music, I decided to jump for math, music, AND swing dancing. Yeah, swing dancing. And while I'm on a whole new level and I can't just be the best at any of the things I touch, I didn't show that I was playing the college game either. I started playing the swing dancing game by going to lessons, weekly dances, and such, but that fell prey to me needing to do my math homework on those nights. My math, which started out strong, died right along with whatever teaching ability they have left here at the university. Here's an equation: math teacher who can't teach = student who can't learn. Try wrapping your mind around THAT.

And music. Oh, poor music. They must be so confused right now. Because when I started out first semester, I played their game by taking lessons, doing chamber music, and making it into the top orchestra. It seems I had a shot! But oh, wait. Looks like I don't have time to practice, and this really affects my lessons, which are in a different format than I'm used to so I can't just not practice and improve like I've been doing for the past three years. So, I dropped all that and in the spring semester, I just did orchestra and showed up late every day because the honors math I was trying to do well in let me out late on most days. -_-

Seriously, it's like a never-ending circle of stepping on each others' toes, I can't stand it. Since when did math and music ever get in the way in high school? Huh, huh? That's right, NEVER! And now I've got to make a frickin' choice just because this is the real world and people don't do that kind of thing. At least, not normal people. And despite what my sister says, I am pretty darn normal and I like to think that I'm just like the rest of you folk who like to hang out on the weekends and play computer games and go out for dinner and such. Seriously, this is nuts!

Crazy ranting aside, I'm trying to turn this puppy around. No matter how this semester turns out, I've got easy classes to help me rez a (perhaps) fallen GPA and take back my spot as one ballin' double bassist. It's true that my James Scholar status my be jeopardized -- and I'll do my best to save it -- but that's fine because playing that game hasn't gotten me anything so far. Actually, the only games I see worth playing now are the music game and the university game, both of which will net me major points in the professional world when the time comes.

I know I've written a lot but I still have stuff to say, so I might as well say it while I'm on a roll. I can't tell you how many posts sit in the graveyard because I tried writing them as drafts and didn't finish them! Anyhoo, playing the university problem doesn't worry me one bit. It's the music game that will pose a bit of a challenge. If I get a music minor, I'll have a tad easier time, but otherwise I'll be building rep through word of mouth and familiarity, which are tough when I'm not involved in that many musical activities.

In fact, I'm not sure getting a music minor is even worth it. At first I didn't want to get it because it took so many bloody hours and I didn't want to get my hands dirty with history and theory again, but that's not really what's getting me. I've actually been toying with the idea of going back for informatics and using that in conjunction with psychology to study the effects of some crazy technology, like computer games. (WoW!) That, however, will make it a tight fit in terms of getting my majors done in four years. Thus, I'll probably just keep to my orchestra and such. However that leaves one question unanswered.

Why don't I frickin' practice? Does it really take an academic reward to get me to practice? Heck, the academic reward doesn't keep me from procrastinating math homework, so I really don't see how it'll help me practice. In fact, in all my years of playing, I've only really practiced when the reward was music. Where did that reward go? It's still there, but when playing the bass becomes simple due to simple literature or lowered peer performance or even taking a backseat to academics (I'm pretty good at faking fast licks, no joke), the incentive to do well disappears. Just like the incentive to do homework thoroughly and carefully disappears when you find out you can get away with slacking off. And why? Well, because as interesting as math and music are, they're just not as immediately rewarding as gunning down your friends in Halo 2 or eating dinner at Flat Top or, well, sleeping.

I've almost put an hour into writing this post so I'm going to have to call it quits. However, I do want you to think about that last paragraph, about what motivates us to work harder and what motivates us to slack off. I think that if you can master that, you can master anything, and I hope that's the case. So that's what I'll do! I need to keep reminding myself of the greater things in life to work for, and keep showing myself that when I achieve those goals, I'll accomplish exactly what I want and be content with things for a change.